Hilarity Ensues
by PBnSpots
Summary: What happens when you lock two red-haired shinigami in a room together? Hilarity ensues. Renji x Grell
1. Part 1

What. The. Hell. Renji sat up with his head spinning and tried to take in his surroundings, which was made difficult by the fact that they were practically nonexistent. White walls to the left, white walls to the right, white walls in front of him, and behind him…hello. A little patch of color slightly obscured by a large white table. Renji stood and unsheathed his zanpakuto. He slowly approached the increasingly more visible figure on the floor.

The figure looked like a person, but Renji couldn't be sure; there were too many physical deformities to tell for certain. The figure appeared to be unconscious so Renji poked at it with his zanpakuto.

"Mmm… Sebas-chan…" The figure muttered. Renji jumped back a bit as it stirred. He kept his sword pointed at the red-haired (male?) in front of him. The figure's eyes popped open and a look of disappointment spread across his face. "You're not Sebas-chan," he said.

Renji blinked but recovered his composure almost immediately. "Who are you?" he asked, sounding almost official. The figure sat up and grinned.

"I am the beautiful Grell Sutcliff and I am a shinigami to die for!" As he said this, he pulled out a chainsaw, spun around in a circle, and somehow managed to wink a heart out of his eye.

"Shinigami?" Renji said. "I haven't seen you before. What squad do you belong to?" his was a trick. It had to be. This thing had to be some new type of hollow created solely for the purpose of instilling so much revoltion into its prey or enemy that they are unable to do anything apart from stare on in disgust. Well, that trick wouldn't work on him.

"Squad?" said Grell. "I don't know what you're talking about. But that's not important. I need to worry about finding Sebas-chan right now."

"This… 'Sebas-chan', is he your leader? Tell me who you are!"

"Oh!" Grell shouted. "Oh! Oh! Oh!" He was now writing around where he stood. What the hell? Was he having an orgasm or something? "Yes! I would follow Sebas-chan anywhere!"

"So you admit it! What kind of hollow are you!" Renji pressed the tip of his zanpakuto to Grell's chest.

"How dare you threaten a lady!" Grell said. Okay. Something was definitely wrong here. There was no way this repulsive slime in front of him was female. "The proper way to greet a lady is with a kiss on the hand." Grell extended his arm and wiggled his fingers as though he expected Renji to actually put his lips on them. Instead, Renji snatched his hand away.

"What are you trying to pull, you—!"

"Oh, how amazingly aggressive! Just like my Sebas-chan! Again! Do it again!" Once again, he stretched his arm out. Renji was thoroughly annoyed now.

"I swear if you do not tell me this instant who the hell you are, I will be forced to show you my bankai and let me tell you, it's pretty freakin' huge!" At this, Grell became motionless, his gaze fixed on Renji, specifically the region in between his legs. Then, suddenly, Grell jumped at Renji, catching him off guard.

"Show me anything you want! Especially your bankai!" And again with the vertical writing. Grell grabbed at Renji's pants.

"What the hell are you doing!" Renji attempted to push the disgusting creature off of him, but somehow, their strengths were evenly matched. With a great amount of difficulty, he pulled free and took on a fighting stance. This guy was strong. He shouldn't have underestimated him.

"What a boring death scythe," Grell commented. "No originality al all." … That was unexpected.

"Death… scythe…?"

"Yes! Your death scythe!" Realizing that Grell referred to the sword in his hand, Renji became extremely offended. How dare this questionably-gendered excuse for a 'shinigami' insult his (in his opinion) rather impressive sword.

"It's called a zanpakuto, you idiot! And it's perfectly original!"

"Death scythe!"

"Zanpakuto!"

"Death scythe!"

"Zanpakuto!"

"Death scythe!"

"Zanpakuto!"

"I love you!"

"Za—what?"

"There's no need to engage in silly arguments to prolong the inevitable Renji-chan. I know you're shy, but don't worry, I'll be gentle," said Grell.

"How do you know my name!" exclaimed Renji. "And you'll be gentle with what?" Grell put a finger to Renji's lips.

"Shh. There's no need for words." Renji felt himself moving backward but his legs buckled as his knees hit something and he collapsed onto a bed. When did that get there? "You're about to experience my death scythe. It can penetrate anything, you know." Somehow Renji got the feeling Grell wasn't talking about the chainsaw he held. The main clue was the fact that Grell was struggling to remove his pants. Yes! A distraction!

While Grell's attention was diverted, Renji jumped up from the bed and grabbed the other shinigami's death scythe with which he began hacking at the wall. Grell had said the scythe could penetrate anything, right? And so, after several grueling hours of slicing through the walls of the mysterious room, Renji's efforts were finally rewarded. He could see a glimmer of light! He had broken through! He was about to finally get out of this freakish white room! He jabbed one last time at the wall of the white room and on the other side was… a red room.

"Oh, how beautiful!" Grell said. "Red! It's the most amazing color in the universe, don't you think, Renji-chan?" Grell leapt through the newly created hole and started prancing around the red room. Renji just stood there with a defeated look on his face. The chainsaw slid out of his hand and fell to the floor. This was going to be a long, long day.


	2. Part 2

**AN:** So, at the request of my friend and a few readers I decided to go ahead and write a second part. Enjoy! ^_^

-XXX-

Renji just stood there with a defeated look on his face. The chainsaw fell out of his hand and hit the floor. This was going to be a long, long day.

"Renji-chan, you should come in here! Red is a much better color than white and it matches your beautiful silky hair perfectly!" Why him? Why on Earth –er—Soul Society did this have to happen to _him_? Wasn't there another red-haired shinigami who could have taken his place? Ichigo would have been a nice replacement if it weren't for the fact that his hair was real world red as opposed to anime red.

Unable to contain himself any longer, Renji began to punch the wall repeatedly. "Why the," Punch. "Hell do I," Punch. "Have to," Punch. "Be here," Punch. "With a stupid," Punch. "Idiot," Punch. "Like him!" Punch. Great. That hadn't accomplished anything aside from creating a throbbing pain in his hand. "Dammit!" Despite the pain, Renji decided to punch the wall one last time for good measure. He glanced back inside the red room, ready to take his frustration out on that damn shinigami, but Grell was nowhere in sight.

"Oh, Renji-chan!" Renji jumped about a foot in the air at the sound of the creature's voice. "Feel free to release your energy on me!" He once again began removing his clothing. "And maybe you could even show me that bankai you were talking about!"

"No." said Renji when his heart finally started beating normally again. "No, the best way to deal with this situation is just to pretend that you do not exist. You are not here at all. I can't see you and I can't hear you…and I definitely can't feel you molesting my hip either."

"Don't ignore me, Renji-chan! That's rude! Renji-chan! Hey! Open your eyes! Look at my beautiful face! Renji-chan!" Grell threw himself to the ground and started kicking and thrashing around like a toddler. "Renji-chaaaaaaaaan!"

"Can't hear, can't hear, can't hear!" Renji reminded himself aloud. He kept his eyes shut and covered his ears with his hands. He rather felt like a child himself with the way he was standing but at least it blocked out a portion of the abominable screeching that was Grell Sutcliff's voice.

"Fine! At least my eyebrows don't zigzag all around my head!" Grell shouted. That did it. Nobody _ever_ got away with insulting his eyebrows. His eyebrows were awesome –no—_freaking_ awesome and that was that! He pulled out his zanpakuto.

"It's bankai time!" he shouted. He regretted the words almost immediately. Really? 'Bankai time?' Had he really just said something that stupid? Whatever. He would kill this annoying thing and then there would be no record to show that the words had ever been spoken. "Bankai!"

Grell screamed. Renji smirked. Of course the idiot would be terrified of his huge, long, hairy bankai. Anybody would be. After all, it had to be very painful once it finally tore into them.

"It's…it's…it's…"

"Terrifying? Frightening? Scary? Mortifying? Just generally and altogether fear-inducing?"

"Red!" Grell exclaimed. He ran toward it and clutched at the mane just as Renji was about to attack. "And so soft and cuddly! The exact opposite of my Sebas-chan but still entrancing!" He stroked Renji's bankai delicately.

"It's not cuddly!" said Renji indignantly. "It's fearsome and violent! Stop petting it like that! It's not some kind of pet! It's a very advanced weapon form that only extremely skilled shinigami can master!" Grell was not listening and was instead cooing at the snake/lion shaped sword in front of him.

"Who's a cute bankai? Who's a cute little bankai!"

"Stop baby-talking it! It's not cute! It's terrifying! So…so…so…" The other shinigami still wasn't listening so Renji gave up and decided not to use his bankai after all since it apparently wasn't scary enough. With his ego deflated, he sheathed his sword.

"Hey! Bring it back! I wanted to play fetch with it!"

"No. I don' wanna." Renji was most definitely pouting now but he didn't care. His ego has just about had the crap kicked out of it and he wasn't about to be graceful about that. He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at the ground. Grell came over and patted him on the back.

"There, there, Renji-chan. Would some hot, spicy sex make you feel any better?" As he said this, Grell began unbuttoning his shirt with one hand while the other attempted to worm its way into the folds of Renji's robe. "It would certainly release some of the stress you've got bottled up."

"No, sex would not make me feel better." Said Renji matter-of-factly.

"Please?" Grell gave him puppy-dog eyes.

"No."

"_Please?_" The puppy-dog eyes became more intense.

" Well…since you're giving me that face…I guess it's okay."

"Really?"

"No. Now get away from me." Renji retied his robe and strode to the other side of the room, as far away from Grell as he could possibly get. He was surprised when the creature didn't follow and turned around to see what he was doing.

"Renji-chan." Said the shinigami. "You lied to me. I can never forgive you for that!" Grell drew up his death scythe and began advancing on Renji again only this time the advance wasn't sexual. Renji stepped back and pulled out his own sword, ready to plunge it into Grell at any moment. At least now he was fighting. If nothing else it was a nice way to pass the time.

The two death gods ran at each other and just when their swords were about to make contact there was a large explosion and a big puff of smoke. They both paused and stared at the cloud that was ever so slowly beginning to clear up…

"How many times am I going to have to step in and save your ass, Grell Sutcliff." A tall man with dark brown hair, glasses, and what Renji thought was a very long branch cutter emerged from the smoke screen.

"William!" Grell shouted. "You said ass! That's very uncharacteristic of you!"

"Indeed it is but that is beside the point. I've come to take you back to the right dimension. So if you would follow me _silently_, I will escort you out of here."

Normally Renji would have questioned this suspicious-looking person to find out why he was impersonating a shinigami or if he was actually an arancar or something but he was talking about taking Grell away! Renji was not about to screw up an opportunity as golden as this one. He kept his mouth shut.

"Will I get to see Sebas-chan if I go back with you?" Grell asked.

"Sure. Why not." Will answered.

"Then I shall most definitely accompany you back to England!" He then turned to Renji. "Sorry, Renji-chan, but compared to Sebas-chan, you're actually pretty ugly." Grell blew him a kiss then left with Will.

Renji decided to ignore Grell's 'ugly' comment and instead chose to rejoice in the fact that the annoying moron had finally left! He was gone! Renji was alone in the room! Knowing there was nobody around to see him, Renji jumped for joy over and over again.

"What on Earth are you doing, Lt. Abarai?" said a deep voice. Renji looked back in the direction that the smoke cloud had been in and froze in horror.

"Captain Kuchiki, sir! I was simply, uh, umm, stretching!" Renji hurriedly explained.

"I see. Well in any case, there's been an outbreak of Menos Grande Hollows in the World of the Living and you're needed. I'll send you right away."

"Yes, sir," Renji replied. And that was that. He was out. He had finally escaped that godforsaken room. He was determined to wipe the time he spent in the strange dimension from his memory forever. Then things would finally go back to normal. Maybe first, though, he would yell at Ichigo a bit for having orange hair instead of red hair.

Yes, life was starting to look good again for Renji Abarai. And the best part was that it was 100% Grell free.

THE END


	3. Extra

**AN:** This extra chapter (if you can even call it that) was at the request of my friend who inspired this story in the first place. Enjoy!

-XXX-

"Hey! Ichigo!" Renji called. The orange-haired teen looked around a bit before spotting the red-haired shinigami behind him.

"Oh, hey, Renji. How's it going?" Without a word Renji walked up to Ichigo and punched him square in the face then started walking away.

"What the hell was that for?" Ichigo yelled.

"Screw you and your orange hair!" Renji shouted before running out of sight. Ichigo rubbed his face and stood back up. What the hell had just happened?


End file.
